L A P S U R A | blog

That bird attacked me again today.

I think I mentioned at some point that my anthropology prof is related to me in some irrelevant way. Anyways, we were talking after class last week and he asked how things are going (probably concerned because I've been missing classes—still managed to get 98% in the midterm though!). So he asked what my English class is about. Admittedly, I've had trouble focussing my thoughts in any coherent way lately; but seriously, all I could come up with (without ranting on the utter uselessness of English in general) was "Ohh... it's mostly about... old books." Yeah, he laughed at that.

Anyways, the point of that story is that the classes I've been taking are very discouraging. But today... was one of the best English classes ever! How is this possible? Because my Lit Theory prof from last term was the guest lecturer! She's so intense, and she argues with the force of a thousand hurricanes. She should be a politician, or at least a lawyer. She singlehandedly inspires me; I come out of her classes actually thinking—really, thinking! Or I would, if I were in a thinking sort of mood. Nothing else even remotely connected to English does that for me. Somehow, she manages to present English in a way that actually matters. She's also the one who keeps after me to do an honours or masters. It's tempting, very tempting, but I don't think it would end well.

Back when I was in Music, I took a Masterclass where the guy gave us this advice: "If you truly want to perform, then go for it and it will be the greatest thing in life. But if you don't, then quit now, because it will break your heart." I don't regret quitting performance, because it would have broken my heart.

I feel very defeated.